"The Illusion Of Being Different"

A few months ago, I came to a sudden awakening to the fact that my dominant vibration was grief and sadness. That came as a huge surprise because all along I was focused only on "anger" as the most problematic aspect in me. Many people kept harping on that as my biggest problem, so I just assumed they must be right. Funny, but I always thought of sadness and grief related mostly to death (conditioned thinking) and since no one's death has influenced me to the point of inner disturbance, it never crossed my mind. On looking back, I see now my brooding and tear faced images of which there are millions, looming large in my mind's eye. I was sad all my life and I did'nt even know it! It influenced my life so deeply yet I was ignorant and clueless about it.  It is scary how we can go through an entire lifetime so clueless about ourselves.  I believe my real change started when this epiphany struck me like a bolt of lightening.  Since then much has happened.  Today, for some reason, a quote by Ram Dass kept coming to mind again and again.  Perhaps it is a reminder to always remember to be as compassionate with myself as I am with nature and stop coming down hard on myself.  I was sad because I was waiting to be "rescued" since I was a child, but no one came. I created fantasy stories about how that would happen and it usually always ended in a "happy ever after" story.  The person has since passed on without it ever turning into a reality. Since then, I have just assumed no one will ever come. There was a huge hole in my heart. Unconsciously, I held a deep bitterness against the person who was supposed to rescue me and shut that part and stuffed it deep down into my Soul.  But my Soul decided it was time to "man up" and face the wound. And so I did.

This quote is so true on so many levels.  

"When you go out into the woods and you look at trees.  And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever.  And you look at the trees and you allow it.  You see why it is the way it is.  You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way.  And you don’t get all emotional about it.  You just allow it.  You appreciate the tree.  The minute you get near humans, you lose all that.  And you are constantly saying “You’re too this, or I’m too this.”  That judging mind comes in.  And so I practice turning people into trees.  Which means appreciating them just the way they are."  ~ Ram Dass ~

This was what I was doing all along - judging and condemning my supposed "rescurer".  Just the thought of this makes me coil up in deeper sadness. This quote is so profoundly true.  My heart hurts every time I read it. Ram Dass was so spot on in his assessement of the human behavior.  These days I am trying my hardest to practice being an observer and I must admit it is definitely far better than being a participant in every little affairs of the world whether it is concerning me or another. It is enabling me to see old perspectives in new light and as I do that I can sense the feelings and reactions in my body more acutely.  Wow! what a revealation indeed.

This deep sadness and grief translated into low self esteem and zero self worth. To me all the   other "trees" were far better.  I felt I was just a mistake born into this world and everyone was doing me a lot of favours by just associating themselves with me.  I have had so many people tell me in no uncertain terms that they are far better than I am.  A common phrase is "I would never do anything like that'! implying that I was not a good person. Sadly, this is what I believed for a long time. I have carried so much anger, guilt and pain on my shoulders over the years, that my shoulders still ache. Many other parts of my body also still ache badly because these beliefs have gone deeply into my psyche. My self worth has taken such a beating that I am still literally limping back to life physically.  I have added so much unnecessary weight and the desire to do anything about it had literally vanished from my mind.  I felt kind of paralysed by Life.  Fortunately, for us, as Souls, our Spirits cannot tolerate this kind of self treatment for long.  Something suddenly happens that is so drastic in our lives, it usually spurs us on to sit up and take a long hard look at ourselves.  New Age teachings was a gift to me. I became aware of a part of Life I never even knew existed. Traditional teachings were very difficult to understand and implement in my life. Strangely enough, its the New Age teachings that helped me to develop a deep interest in understanding religion. I have changed many views of my small self and I have come a long way emotionally. Anita Moorjani comes to mind as a big influence in my life. I love her mantras like "Be who you are", "Love yourself unconditionally", etc. As a result things are looking up and I am more pleased with my Life than I ever was in the past. I am now, like, "this is who I Am ... if you don't like this person in front of you, it's fine, but I am sorry, I cannot live upto your expectations of me ......." I have taken my Power back. And it is the best decision followed by action ever!  It is a lot of work, but it has been well worth it so far. More precious than gold indeed.

Being an "Observer" is an incredible pastime.  It has given me purpose and motivation because I can sift and comb through all of the negative stuff I have believed about myself and let them go.  Inquiry is always an eye opening experience.  Through the experience of observation, I am able to understand more deeply what "Oneness" is really all about.  We are all connected and this definition is clearly explained in all the superior and true teachings.  When this is understood with the heart, the process of inner healing becomes so much easier because you can begin to see the reason and the purpose for your own personal suffering.  You begin to see there was really no other way for your heart to open so completely and break down. I needed this more than life itself.  My "rescuer' was actually rescuing me, but my idea of rescue was very limited  and small. My "rescuer" suffered too.  A lot. It was a two-way mirror reflecting both our lessons. If that was not the purpose, the story would have ended differently.  It ended exactly as it was intended to.

Today's message from Jiddu Krishnamurthi in my email is the perfect icing and synchronicity with all the thoughts coming together in a grand finale.  We are ONE no matter what. The world and I are ONE.  God and I are ONE.  Because we try to move away from this Truth, we rain down suffering upon ourselves.

The Illusion of Being Different

"A human being psychologically is the whole of mankind. He not only represents it but he is the whole of the human species. He is essentially the whole psyche of mankind. On this actuality various cultures have imposed the illusion that each human being is different. In this illusion mankind has been caught for centuries, and this illusion has become a reality. If one observes closely the whole psychological structure of oneself, one will find that as one suffers, so all mankind suffers in various degrees. If you are lonely, the whole humankind knows this loneliness. Agony, jealousy, envy, and fear are known to all. So psychologically, inwardly, one is like another human being. There may be differences physically, biologically. One is tall or short and so on, but basically one is the representative of all mankind. So psychologically you are the world; you are responsible for the whole of mankind, not for yourself as a separate human being, which is a psychological illusion… If one grasps the full significance of the fact that one is psychologically the world, then responsibility becomes overpowering love."  ~ Krishnamurti, Letters to the Schools vol I, p 20 ~

We are ONE.  Namaste.

~ Lavina ~