Stepping Into The Game of Life

"And here you are, Soul aweary and enhungered, 

and not knowing where to turn - 

To You, I Am come." 

~ The Impersonal Life ~

"Who are You God, and who am I?" is a question that rolls around in my mind endlessly, and it is also the title of this blog.  It's a Life Question that directs my path everyday.  I have recently started this new blog separate from my previous ones because for me this phase of my life feels new and changing every moment.  I am so grateful for All That Is this moment. This is like my own spiritual journal and in order for it to make reasonable sense for anyone reading it, I have decided to start way back as much as I can without droning on about the past.  Our pasts are important and sacred because they form the marrow in the bone of our Soul travels and they prompt us to make different choices from the ones we have been making previously.  So here's to me and to You - May we learn to master The Game of Life.

Rewind. ...   Many years ago when I began a conscious search for God, I realized I rejected practically everything I was told about God through organized religion till my late 30s. Most of the stuff made little sense to me and I was woefully afraid of the "Man up there" who, I believed, would punish me if I was naughty and did 'wrong' things or was disobedient, or .... it was a fairly long list of all that I was sure was eligible for punishment. God's punishment is the fear that dominated our lives. I felt it more accutely because of my early abandonment by my family. I became  an angry individual from a very tender age and I held that anger for a very long time. God did not feel one bit cozy to me.  He was as distant from me as heaven is to earth (or so I thought).  No prayer could motivate me to draw myself to Him. I had decided He was not going to mess around with me any longer.  He's not getting no love from me, that's for sure! Infact I was convinced I was being punished and my life seemed very bleak and disappointing.  I was only six years old. As I grew up, I saw so much disparity between me and everyone else, and between everyone else and everyone else. Why?  It has taken so many, many precious years to understand why and as I write, I write only from a very deep sense of gratitude.  Gratitude for all of those Beautiful Souls who saw me grow up and who grew me up just so that I can smile a big smile of Joy right this moment in eternity. I have gratitude for all the people I have known since I was a toddler who influenced my life every waking moment. The Game of Life has been rich with millions of flavors all interwoven into each other creating a Masterpiece in the Mandala of our Souls. We may not know this consciously but the Soul knows it.

Unfortunately, we start out life by being "pushed" into a fearful world and not all of us have the good fortune to be born into functional and grounded families.  Some of us are birthed into such dysfunctional families that it takes literally years for us to find our Souls and when we do, we are surprised to discover that we actually have one, and not only that, it is also supposed to be a Light showing us the way forward!!!  How did we miss this?  Why did'nt anyone tell us this? And why didn't anyone teach us this incredible Truth? It's simple. We were taught what our elders were taught and they were taught the meaning of The Game of Life by their elders and that's how education seemed to be. Everyone passes down (like a legacy) what they were taught. Unfortunately, one thing hardly anyone in this world is taught is to question everything. Obedience is still a very big deal as it has always been. By the time we were ready to leave the security of our childhood, all seemed to appear and look normal.  Until they didn't.  We are all characters in a play and we each had our role to play.  I did'nt know Love was an inside job. I looked for it aimlessly everywhere but within me. I thought even if one person loved me, that would be incredibly wonderful. In this material world apparently, such a thing is not possible. I wish I knew then that I was worth loving. My outlook would sure have been different and my receptivity to Life's challenges would have been more grounded and organic.

Fast forward and a huge leap in time ....   New lessons. New learning. New discoveries. 

What was the discovery that shook me the most? This was it: All of the above thoughts I held about my life so far is a complete illusion. What?

Really? When did that happen?  Apparently, it never happened in the "REAL" world. It all happened in my mind. How the heck do I process this bombshell? Seriously, this got me really mad at God! What the hell!  Is this your idea of some funny joke, God? Well, its not funny!!! You are out! You heard? You are OUT! I was freaking out because my belief in a punishing god now changed to that of a whimsical one. I could'nt decide which was worse. It seemed to me that God was like some dictator ordering around the sun, moon and stars and making cosmic decisions just for the fun of it.  The fear that I held for so long about not cussing against God just flew out of the window.  I didn't care any longer.  I was angry.  Really angry.

Many moons later, and prayers, and meditations, and reading and discussions with people who appeared to know more than I did, and when I calmed down, everything began to look different.  It looked better, more hopeful.  God now changed in my eyes.  God was beginning to look like a God of Love and Justice. God had no gender. God IS. My perspectives began to change.  I began to change from within. I was ready to love myself. I was more open to myself. I was beginning to be unafraid of Life. And now I feel more expanded than ever before.  God also has a sense of humor!! Just look around!

As this wonderful non-dual teacher Jeff Foster says:

"You do not heal from trauma, and nobody heals you either.  You simply reconnect with that sacred place in yourself that was never traumatized, never broken, never damaged in the first place; your True Self, is absolute and ever-present, innocent and free."

These are the lessons I Am happily learning ......  Be unafraid to live. Be not concerned whether people love you or not. Most people are confused most of the time anyway. They are busy looking for a different way to manage their lives. No need to tell them whether they are right or wrong. Its their lesson to learn and live from. I used to be one of those ones telling others what to do simply because all organised spiritual institutions make you do that (when I was a part of them). It took me a long time to discover that was the worse way to change anyone's heart. Its the reason I have disconnected from organised anything. I am basically a rebel. I ask too many questions which upsets a lot of people who have an axe to grind.  Because I rebel a bit too much, I have ended up having less friends. Better to have less friends than a bunch of people who cannot figure out stuff for themselves and need to be herded. There are no like minded people.  There are only people you either like your mind or not, and if they do, they are happy to associate with you. As long as they do, its fine.  As long as they don't, that too is fine.  Its a win-win situation always when I detach from the happenings and goings-on of stuff.  I believe Awakening happens differently for different people.  For me it happens every time an answer comes up from the very depths of my being to difficult questions, As a result, I feel wide open and expanded.  There is no end point. It is our duty to share what we "know". Its not my problem if it is not accepted.  As long as I put it out there, its free because it came to me free. I love to do things that bring joy.  I love to laugh.  I keep a distance from people who cannot be authentic.  I  love very easily and I am very affectionate.  I am upset by dishonesty and betrayals but I am learning that, that they are all illusions of my mind.  Well, I'm still learning and I am a happy learner.  And so it is.

Love happens. God Bless,

~ Lavina ~